Heroism & Hornblower

This post contains spoilers, but so does Wikipedia, so fuck it; read on.

I'm re-reading C.S. Foresters Hornblower books at the moment, starting at the beginning of the story's timeline (although the books were written in an odd order) and loving every swashbuckling minute of it; so much detail and effort has gone into making you smell the sea and wish you were there. But I've found myself looking curiously the heroism that Hornblower displays, and wondering how a hero sees himself.

For the uninitiated, this paragraph is for you: Horatio Hornblower starts his adventures as a Midshipman in the Royal Navy in 1793, and kicks arse against the French and the Spanish for over 50 years. A man of strategic, mathematical and organisational brilliance, Hornblower is also known to readers as an insecure and self-loathing man, completely oblivious of his talents and intensely critical of his personal worth. From humble beginnings as the son of a doctor, Hornblower is made Knight Grand Cross of the most Honourable Order of Bath, becomes Admiral of the Fleet, and retires a Baron.

So he does alright in the end, and his career is littered with heroic deeds and amazing stories. The series of novels is one of the best works of fiction out there. But it got me thinking about acts of heroism, and what it takes to be a hero. In the Hornblower series, it's clear that the three criteria for heroism* are:

• A bold and daring act (e.g. boarding a ship and steering it away from the fleet);
• Extremely dangerous circumstances (e.g. the ship is on fire); and
• A very noble cause (e.g. to save lives, and fulfill one's duty.)

The last reason, I believe, is the most important. Throughout the Hornblower series, the protagonist, while aware of the rewards of prize ships, the opportunities for advancement, and the value of appearances, performs all of his deeds because he has sworn to fulfill his duty. He takes his sense of duty holistically and morally, marrying solely because he couldn't bear to break the heart of a woman he hastily proposed to (out of pity rather than love), returning to a Spanish prison after assisting in the rescue of Spanish sailors because he'd given his parole, and surreptitiously offering his steward desertion as an alternative to hanging when the man accidentally struck a superior officer. Other people see heroism; Hornblower only sees What Must Be Done.

Truly, Hornblower lived for others as a rule, like such great heroes as Sir Galahad of Camelot and FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper (pictured to your left; his right.) Like these brave men, Hornblower doesn't see the effect he has on others, only wishing to prove to himself that he is a creature worth living. Hornblower sees the few weak moments he has - his attraction to a woman who is not his wife, his chronic seasickness, and some rare, isolated incidents of bad luck - as testimony to what he considers cowardice, disloyalty and incompetence, and forgets or ignores his many, many great moments.

Can such a man be a hero? Definitely; the cause is in the eye of the observer. Will such a man see himself as a man worthy of such accolades? I doubt it. Such a withdrawn, insecure man is after self-approval, not the praise of others, no matter how many others there are. Hornblower is a hero, but he would never understand why, because for the majority of his life, he has considered himself a truly loathsome man. Only time to reflect on his adventures would show him that he is a successful man, husband and father, and even the most pessimistic man could not feel a sense of pride at his achievements.

As I said before, a real hero doesn’t see a hero when he looks in the mirror. But it would be a terrible thing to know the world thinks you’re a hero, and to have no reason to believe them. Thankfully, time tells the truth. In Hornblower's case, he eventually retires a content man, clearly having approved of his deeds and conduct, and enjoys his life, unfortunately not for long (he’s in his mid-70s by the end of the series.) But he’s finally happy with his life, and that's about all a hero could ask for.

*One thing I should have mentioned earlier is that in the eyes of the observers, heroism is a question of values. The French would never consider the acts of a British naval officer as heroic, but when Hornblower assists Napoleon III (whom he did not recognise) to travel to France, he is made Chevalier of the Legion of Honour. So it would seem that no matter what you think of yourself, being a hero to others depends a lot more on what they think than what you think.

I Love Living in the Future: Sexbots

No matter how you slice it, the future is most definitely not the dystopian nightmare described by the likes of George Orwell, Ray Bradbury and Pierre Boulle. Sure, we may have our every step tracked by The Man, and there are starving people everywhere, but there have always been starving people everywhere, and I don't fear The Man because I have nothing to hide. You guilty bastards are gonna pay, and I'll be hanging out in my world of rainbows and kittens*.

In the most technologically dependent age of mankind's history it's seemingly inevitable that machines will not merely manage our lives as they do now, but manage the very things that make us human. This is awesome. I'm totally looking forward to getting my robot legs in a few years; legs that will make me a 12-foot tall arse-kicking machine! All will tremble beneath the mighty stride of Magnum Cyberboss!**

That said, we won't replace our humanity with techno-goodies, we'll just use them to make our lives easier and more enjoyable. For instance, lots of my friends believe that in the future we will take our food in pill form (which for some is an interesting and sick current reality), thereby making life more efficient by removing the time-consuming tedium of eating. This is bullshit. If anything, food will become less about nourishment and more about enjoyment. One day, supermodels will be able to eat an entire roast chicken that contains zero calories and doesn't fill you up, so you can just enjoy the act of eating. Kinda like masturbation.

Speaking of which, check out the website for this Japanese company. "Honeydolls" are life size dolls that you can have sex with. Yes, like a real person, except I don't think they fuck back. I'm not sure. In any event, for a mere $7,000, you can have your own little Japanese girl, carefully crafted to what I only assume are the International Proportional Guidelines for Ultimate Japanese Fuckdoll Hotness.

Height: 156cm (about 5'1)
Weight: 29 kg (64lbs)
Measurements: 87D-57,83 (34D-22-32)
Foot Size: 24-24.5cm (Size 6)

They're made from surgical silicone and polyresin, have titty sensors that make the doll squeal when squeezed (yes, with a proper voice box, not like the teddy bear you had as a kid that growled when you punched it in the stomach), and can give you head. Apparently the oral sex thing is a big deal because of the new silicone technology that stops lips from tearing or lipstick shade from fading.

While this is pretty expensive masturbation, it's possibly cheaper than a lifetime of dates, and if you're the type who doesn't care if she gets off, this is perfect. In fact, let's back up a bit and figure out how cost-effective this Honeydoll thing is:

Cost of Honeydoll
Body, Head and Voice Box Sensor Thing: $7,000
Cost of Extra Head with Fellatio Feature: $1,200
Repair Kit: $40
Total: $8,240

Cost of One Successful Date (not counting those dates where you go and feed the ducks and then fuck in the park)
Dinner: $50-$150
Drinks: $50-$200
Entertainment: $50-$200
Total: $100-$550

A Honeydoll costs anywhere between 15 and 83 dates, depending on how good you are at getting sex at minimal cost.

So, in today's money, if you went on, say 2 cheap dates a year, every year, starting in 25 and ending when you're 50 (likely enough, probably a little pessimistic), you'd be better off with a Honeydoll. And if you're the type who has to shower a woman with gifts just to get her to talk to you, this is an absolute bargain!***

Yes, indeed, the future is awesome. Countless men with deep pockets and shallow souls will love this shit, and this means less men out there horning in on hot women, so everybody wins.**** Dystopic predictions are bullshit; I love living in the future!

*Crushing the kittens with my rainbow-coloured UberTank (the colours confuse the kittens so they just stand there, ripe for the crushing.
**My new tech name. Kinda like a stage name that you use when you're an actor, this is what I will use when I become a cyborg, or get some cool robotic prosthesis.
***That said, if you're this person, then you're most likely the type who sniffs his socks and cries himself to sleep. You'd do better with six feet of rope and a sturdy beam.
****Especially Magnum Cyberboss!!

Cashing In On Change: How the Republicans Can Bounce Back in 2012

I'm finding myself drawn to the U.S. presidential primaries this year. The last eight years of U.S. politics have been an amazing thing to watch, and I can definitely imagine folks all over the States having Primary Piss-ups while watching Super Tuesday. But what will make this period in history particularly significant is that the 44th President of the United States of America will either be a woman, or a black man, and there's nothing the Republican Party can do about it.

The more I look at the Republican side of the coin, the harder it becomes to find a foothold for John "The Boss" McCain, the Republican candidate (I know it's not set in stone yet, but it's gonna happen this way.) I like McCain - he's a war hero who's not afraid to be a man and disagree with his party or his President. There's nothing they can do to him that the Viet Cong haven't done already. But this isn't about liking the guy. This is about the unfortunate truth that he can't win, but being the top candidate, he can't not run. He's fucked, and too old to run next time, and like so many ambitious Senators before him, will be forgotten and wiped from the pages of history.

He can find some solace in the fact that his campaign was most likely doomed from the start. Old G-Dub's Gallup Poll approval rating was 24% in October, the lowest since Nixon, and the fall from around 90% at the start of his term merely adds insult to injury as the current President has become a disgraced politician, an Internet meme, and the butt of every comedian's jokes for the last eight years. All this time I, like so many people out there, knew I'd pity the poor Republican bastard who had to run for President in '08 because there was no way they could represent the GOP and win.

No, there is no way he will win, because Change appears to be the underlying theme for the 2008 election, and every time this happens the Democrats have won convincing elections. This year will be no different. No matter what happens in their camp, they will have a physical presence in the election race that no white man can touch. It's a matter of symbolism supporting sincerity; people will have an easy time believing that a woman or a black man will do things differently to Bush.

And in times of Change, looks matter. McCain is suffering from a life of war, ill health and old age; if by some miracle he does become the 44th President, he would be 72 years old and the eldest President ever. Clinton would be 61, but she doesn't look it. Obama would be 47. If Clinton gets in, Obama can wait 8 years for a shot at the title and still have years to spare (this would be a great tactic for securing the Democrats 4 consecutive terms.)

So what can the Republicans do to regain their political advantage? I'd advise a gameplan similar to the Liberals here in Australia. We're seeing a reinvention of the Coalition, and what better place to start than by jumping off the sinking ship? The Liberals' key ministers are making an excellent long-term play right now, taking advantage of Howard's public silence to rally behind a new Prime Minister, even declaring that Howard should have quit long ago.

This will work a treat. The public's attention span is not exactly marathon. Amongst the hubbub surrounding Rudd's apology last week, people will know that the Liberals have jumped ship, but they don't really have time to care (and become cynical.) Meanwhile, the Libs make their adjustment to political Change, and will bounce back in a term or two with a crushing victory. Happens every time.

With this in mind, I can think of a few things things the Republican Party needs to tick off of the list in 2009 to reinvent itself and get back on track:

• Sever all ties with Bush. Make it clear that the man who just left the White House is not the rule when it comes to the Republicans. Jump ship and bury him in an underwater cave or something, just make sure that he can't come back to haunt you.
  
• Can the GOP bullshit, in every way. There can't be many Republicans who think that the "Grand Old Party" could seriously contend a presidential campaign when Change rears its ugly head.
  
• Get a candidate who's 45-50 years young. Like I said before, youth is important in a campaign dominated by Change, and Change is necessary when you're back's against the wall, just like it is now. FDR (D) was 51 when he was sworn in and you wouldn't have known it to look at him. JFK (D) was 43. Bill Clinton (D) was 48. Things will still be tough in four years, probably even in eight, so you need somebody who represents hope.
  
• Pray that the Democrats fuck it up. This would be a godsend of a scenario for the Republican Party: American takes a risk on a woman or a black man, he/she fails miserably, and the Republicans come along and clean up the mess. I wouldn't count on it though; history will look back on either Clinton or Obama as a great President despite their performance.
• Stick to the Party lines. Keep the focus on national security. Continue the fear campaign that has served them so well in the past - if anything will galvanise the masses, it's a man who can save them from what they fear. Keep close eyes on the budget, China & Japan, crime and taxes.
  
• Smear, smear, smear. Get dirty - there's no way the Republican Party can run a squeaky-clean, may-the-best-man/woman-win campaign for at least two terms. In the interim, get stuck into the President and his/her party. Make sure that when it's time to pick a new President, it's a tough decision.
  
• Get behind One Man. I know it's a pipe-dream, but I would love to see a Republican presidential campaign that really backs one guy from the start. Concentrate forces, raise a shitload of money and come out fighting hard, with the full support of the party behind them. Find former Republican men of power and get them endorsing the candidate. They're starting to come around this time, but it's just too late.
  

The next four (probably eight) years is already squared away. But there will come a time again when America will face the need for Change, and they'll have a decent election, with two decent candidates (and maybe a decent independent?) I, being who I am, don't particularly care who wins. But I do love to be entertained, and next time, I want a fight!

Sunday Boss Special: Dolph Lundgren

Our first Sunday Boss Special focuses on Dolph "The Boss" Lundgren: actor, karateka and successful dodger of A-list fame.

Dolph totally belongs here, and for the true haters and nay-sayers who would rather cut someone down than praise him as the god he is, here are three reasons why Dolph "The Boss" Lundgren belongs here:

• Ivan Drago (who beat Rocky into a brain-damaged pulp)
  
• Sgt. Andrew Scott (the real Universal Soldier)
  
• (Motherfuckin') He-Man!

But Dolph "The Boss" Lundgren is more a mere god. The man holds a 3rd Dan in Kyokushin, speaks 5 languages, completed a Master's Degree in Chemical Engineering, and turned down a goddamn Fulbright Scholarship, the main reason for which being because he was too awesome.

Dolph is the only martial artist in the world that can actually act. In a world of Chuck Norris's, Van Dammes and Jet Lis, Dolph owns everybody's business. Dolph is as close to a God as this universe is going to get, and as such Dolph "The Boss" Lundgren shall be worshipped.

Gay Men and Drug Smugglers...

...have the best posture. It's true. I love watching gay men walk; they're born with such an effortless, natural posture and walk, the kind of walk that makes a very strong case against the morons who say, "Being gay is a choice!"

Drug smugglers, as you can probably gather, have a more "forced" posture, but it's nonetheless refreshing to see people who can stand up straight and appear invigorated after a nine-hour international flight, despite their motives.

In any event, good posture is important, but be aware of the conclusions people may draw. Conversely, pay attention to this quality among your fellow man, for noticing excellent posture is what separates those with GAYDAR and detective badges from those without.

Premature Admission: The Politics of Apology

I've given myself a little time to think about the apology that Parliament made to members of the Stolen Generation on Wednesday, so here's hoping you understand why this is a little belated. Besides, I only created this blog today, so whaddya want? Unicorns?

Anyway, onward. This post isn't about my opinions on the Stolen Generation. I understand that there are a lot of people out there who've suffered immensely. But I personally don't care that the apology was made. I'm not Aboriginal, and I have no Aboriginal friends. On a humanitarian level, I couldn't care less.

My issue is with the Apology itself, and it's a small and simple issue at that: It was Bad Political Strategy. Here we have a Government that executed a near flawless election campaign. It had a message (primarly, change in a changing world) and it stuck to it. Howard was outdated, Rudd was 18 years his junior, Gillard was female (as far as I know, all three of these things are still holding true. For now.) It was sweet, and this is coming from a guy who voted Liberal.

Then they went and screwed it all up by saying "sorry" the second they jumped into Parliament. An apology to the Stolen Generation is a great strategic move, and impulse would lead the Government to believe that the sooner it happened, the better. But the timing is the major strategic flaw, and the straw that will, in time, break the camel's back. And it's not so obvious right now. Right now, people are so wrapped up in appeasing their social conscience that this slippery gesture will work.* But in time, Rudd will wish he had something up his sleeve instead of playing all his cards at once.

Dealing with Workchoices, putting together a Change Australia Think Tank, restructuring of the public sector, and inventing the Department of Climate Change (which brings on a rant for another time) is enough work for any Government. Saying "sorry" in the first month of office means more paperwork for Federal & State Governments, and more media coverage that distracts the public from other high-value political tricks the Government are playing. But more, much more than that, Rudd has lost that valuable political tool FOREVER. He's forgotten that he has three years to prove himself as a Prime Minister of longevity, a Peter North among the political porn circuit as opposed to a three-thrust buster.**

I'm sure that the next twelve months will bring new challenges, but nothing worth basing a second-term campaign on. In eighteen months the Opposition and the nation will ask, in the style of Janet Jackson, "What have you done for me lately?"*** People forget easily, and short of making February 13th a public holiday, there will be no more leverage to be gained from such an early move.

Remember this for your future endeavours, be they office politics, a long poker game, or a dinner date: Showing a strong hand is one thing, but overdoing it will weaken your long-term position.

*If you truly think that Kevin Rudd (or any politician, for that matter) actually cares about the Stolen Generation, you don't deserve to vote.

**At the risk of ripping off Dave Barry, Three-Thrust Buster would be a great name for a rock band.

***If you're thinking, "I don't know that song; maybe I should check it out," don't.

LABJACD!!!

Motherfuckin' LABJACD are playin' at the Evelyn tonight! With Diafrix! I couldn't have thought of a better way to start this blog than with that awesome news.

Here are the details:
Date: Friday February 15th
Time: 9pm
Place: Evelyn Hotel, Fitzroy

If you haven't seen these guys live, do it. You need to. They will remind you that you're alive, and if they don't, you're already dead.