I Love Living in the Future: Sexbots

No matter how you slice it, the future is most definitely not the dystopian nightmare described by the likes of George Orwell, Ray Bradbury and Pierre Boulle. Sure, we may have our every step tracked by The Man, and there are starving people everywhere, but there have always been starving people everywhere, and I don't fear The Man because I have nothing to hide. You guilty bastards are gonna pay, and I'll be hanging out in my world of rainbows and kittens*.

In the most technologically dependent age of mankind's history it's seemingly inevitable that machines will not merely manage our lives as they do now, but manage the very things that make us human. This is awesome. I'm totally looking forward to getting my robot legs in a few years; legs that will make me a 12-foot tall arse-kicking machine! All will tremble beneath the mighty stride of Magnum Cyberboss!**

That said, we won't replace our humanity with techno-goodies, we'll just use them to make our lives easier and more enjoyable. For instance, lots of my friends believe that in the future we will take our food in pill form (which for some is an interesting and sick current reality), thereby making life more efficient by removing the time-consuming tedium of eating. This is bullshit. If anything, food will become less about nourishment and more about enjoyment. One day, supermodels will be able to eat an entire roast chicken that contains zero calories and doesn't fill you up, so you can just enjoy the act of eating. Kinda like masturbation.

Speaking of which, check out the website for this Japanese company. "Honeydolls" are life size dolls that you can have sex with. Yes, like a real person, except I don't think they fuck back. I'm not sure. In any event, for a mere $7,000, you can have your own little Japanese girl, carefully crafted to what I only assume are the International Proportional Guidelines for Ultimate Japanese Fuckdoll Hotness.

Height: 156cm (about 5'1)
Weight: 29 kg (64lbs)
Measurements: 87D-57,83 (34D-22-32)
Foot Size: 24-24.5cm (Size 6)

They're made from surgical silicone and polyresin, have titty sensors that make the doll squeal when squeezed (yes, with a proper voice box, not like the teddy bear you had as a kid that growled when you punched it in the stomach), and can give you head. Apparently the oral sex thing is a big deal because of the new silicone technology that stops lips from tearing or lipstick shade from fading.

While this is pretty expensive masturbation, it's possibly cheaper than a lifetime of dates, and if you're the type who doesn't care if she gets off, this is perfect. In fact, let's back up a bit and figure out how cost-effective this Honeydoll thing is:

Cost of Honeydoll
Body, Head and Voice Box Sensor Thing: $7,000
Cost of Extra Head with Fellatio Feature: $1,200
Repair Kit: $40
Total: $8,240

Cost of One Successful Date (not counting those dates where you go and feed the ducks and then fuck in the park)
Dinner: $50-$150
Drinks: $50-$200
Entertainment: $50-$200
Total: $100-$550

A Honeydoll costs anywhere between 15 and 83 dates, depending on how good you are at getting sex at minimal cost.

So, in today's money, if you went on, say 2 cheap dates a year, every year, starting in 25 and ending when you're 50 (likely enough, probably a little pessimistic), you'd be better off with a Honeydoll. And if you're the type who has to shower a woman with gifts just to get her to talk to you, this is an absolute bargain!***

Yes, indeed, the future is awesome. Countless men with deep pockets and shallow souls will love this shit, and this means less men out there horning in on hot women, so everybody wins.**** Dystopic predictions are bullshit; I love living in the future!

*Crushing the kittens with my rainbow-coloured UberTank (the colours confuse the kittens so they just stand there, ripe for the crushing.
**My new tech name. Kinda like a stage name that you use when you're an actor, this is what I will use when I become a cyborg, or get some cool robotic prosthesis.
***That said, if you're this person, then you're most likely the type who sniffs his socks and cries himself to sleep. You'd do better with six feet of rope and a sturdy beam.
****Especially Magnum Cyberboss!!