Table Talk 2: When Should You Fold Pocket Aces Pre-Flop?

Over Easter weekend I went down to Moe, where I grew up. I had family and friends to visit, and it'd been a while. I was also supposed to visit my tattooist, but that'll have to wait for another day. A story I heard while I was down that way led me to think about the way people play poker, and how much stock you should be putting in big pairs.

My uncle and aunt play a lot of poker. A lot of poker. It's basically their pastime, so whenever they're not at work, one or both of them has the laptop out and is logged into either PokerStars, PartyPoker, or any other poker site you could think of. Either that, or they're down at the pub playing at the Australian Poker League tournaments. Or, they're back at their place, playing back-to-back no-limit hold'em tournaments with 20 regular runners until the sun comes up. Needless to say, that mob really enjoys their poker.

(Before I continue, I gotta say how awesome it was to see such a strong poker community in an area such as Moe. Granted, there's fuck-all else to do there, but it was great to see so many keen players - the pub tournament on Good Friday had about 80 runners! That said, I couldn't get a 7-stud game started for the life of me, but that'll come another day.)

So over the four-day weekend, I easily played at least 40 hours of poker, with a reasonable degree of success. (I say reasonable because I hate tournaments, and/because I'm not good at them. This will change.) Over 40 hours of poker you get to know who the real poker players are. I'd have to say that there are probably four or five solid players who regularly attend the home game my uncle & aunt hold (all things considered, this is a decent number.) Now, when you talk about solid players, you can fit them into two categories:

• The "Lucky" Group. Most high-level pros fit into this group, and a lot of very good players fit in here as well. They're aware that any two cards can make the nuts, and they play to win. These are the Phil Iveys, the Gus Hansens, and the Daniel Negreanus of the poker world. These guys draw a lot, know how to exit a pot cheaply, and know how to extract a lot of your chips when they have the nuts. They might appear "lucky", but they've got the math and card-reading skills to pull it off.
  

• The Bad Beat Sufferers. These are the guys who only play the top 10-15% of hands, and for the most part they're tighter than a duck's arsehole. They play to not lose. Thankfully, they're winning players among low-stakes tables. If they weren't, they'd never come over to your table full of confidence in their "perfect strategy." If you've got one on your table, you can steal his blinds 90% of the time, as he'll only play 10% of his cards. I call them the "bad beat sufferers" because every single one of them has a story about some donkey who rivered him for his whole stack. They suffer badly for this, because they usually commit themselves to the pot and are forced to play great starting hands in marginal situations.
  

I'll give you an example of a "bad beat sufferer": I had a conversation with one guy (we'll call him "Bob") down in Moe who fits into this category, and after a while he told me a story about a no-limit hand he played at Crown. Bob was dealt A-A in late position and watched as the pot was raised and rereaised. By the time it had come around to him, there were four runners, and three were all-in. There was about $1,100 in the pot, and Bob looked at his bullets and decided to play. When the flop came down suited, but with no rags, he went all-in, essentially forcing the remaining player all-in for another $400.

Bob then watched as people turned over their cards: K-K was there; there was an Ace in somebody else's hand, and a couple of completely rag hands that had no business being there. The guy Bob forced all-in had 6-2 offsuit, and caught a flush on the river. Bob was pissed.

So, to recap: Bob had called pre-flop for about $270, and got 4-1 against his Aces. Now here's the thing about A-A: when you've got 4 runners, you need to knock the bastards out of the pot to get it heads-up (three-handed at the worst). If you can't do that, you've gotta hit trips or a flush and hope nobody hits their flush or straight. Against 4 runners with completely random cards, you're probably getting pot odds to call, but I just don't like the idea of racing Aces when you're not likely to win. To make matters worse, it turns out that when he went all-in he gave the 6-2 guy 4.5-1 odds to make his flush. And Bob didn't even have a flush Ace!

I told him he should have avoided the hand altogether, because it was more likely than not he would be outdrawn. But Bob's a Bad Beat Sufferer, and they're greatest weakness is that because they play fuck-all hands, they're essentially married to anything decent. Then they vehemently defend their play with "I had Aces!" These are the same guys you hear about who "never win with Aces", and "are so damn unlucky" that it makes you wonder why they even play in the first place.

Conversely, I doubt a "lucky" player would have touched that hand. A "lucky" player doesn't have to take a stand like that, and even if he does, he's probably got the stack to handle losing and he'd do it for the pot odds. A "lucky" player will also have the kind of table image that discourages the kind of scenario you just read. Granted, you'll get a lot of action as a loose-aggressive player, but when you're in late position, you'll get limpers and folders to you, because you're too wild for 4 people to push pre-flop on you.

So I guess the moral of the story is that it's better to gamble often with smaller bets than once with your entire stack. Bob wouldn't have a bar of it, but he couldn't logically justify the play. I'd like to hear from you - please let me know if there's something I've missed.

Table Talk 1: Don't Stop at Hold'em

Over the last few weeks, I've been teaching my housemates how to play poker. It started when I began making more frequent (and more profitable) visits to the Crown Poker Room. Since I'm a fairly open book, my mates tend to know when I'm doing something interesting, and if it catches their eye, I've got a rockin' convoy!

However, I've realised - not just from my housemates, but from many people - that Texas Hold'em is the only game they actually want to learn. Why? Either because it's the only version of the game they know to exist (although many people are familiar with Five-Card Draw), or because they've seen it on TV and figure that if they're going to play, they want to play the game the pros play.

If I've just described you, then guess what? The pros don't just play Hold'em - they play everything! That's how you become a good poker player. The Big Game at the Bellagio is a $4,000/8,000 Limit game that switches between several types of poker, because true poker greats love the game - all styles of the game!

So, what styles of poker should you learn? Listed are what I consider my Big Five, the games easiest to get a game in, with the most important game to learn (in my opinion) listed first:

1. Texas Hold'em. It's still the most popular game out there, and it's the one you should learn first, because you can get a game anywhere. It's the best place to start. Just remember to learn to play in all three of the major Limit structures; Fixed Limit, Pot Limit & No-Limit are all popular versions and are played very differently.

2. Seven-Card Stud.The most popular of the Stud games, 7-Stud is usually a Fixed Limit game. 7-Stud can be played a number of ways, but the three most popular are 7-Stud High, 7-Stud Hi/Lo (8 or better), & Razz (Lowball). With so much variety, and more betting rounds, it's a very profitable game and one you will learn a lot from.

3. Omaha. A very popular Community Card game that is awesome played Hi/Lo, as well as making an excellent Pot Limit game. Omaha will teach you a lot about pot odds and drawing hands.

4. Five-Card Draw. If for no other reason than to have a good home game where everybody knows the rules. Learn how to play it Limit, Pot & No-Limit, and clean up on your mates!

5. Triple Draw. This game is becoming very popular in the States nowadays because of the huge pot sizes. It's a Lowball version of 5-Draw played either Deuce to Seven or Ace to Five. A lot of mixed games features some form of Triple Draw. Learn it.

Speaking of mixed games, it's an ever-increasing trend at a big tournament series to run a H.O.R.S.E. tournament. For the uninitiated, H.O.R.S.E. is a mixed game where play cycles between Texas Hold'em, Omaha Eight-or-better, Razz, Seven-Card Stud High and Seven-Card Stud Eight-or-better. There's a lot of money to be had in these tournaments, and there's no reason why you can't have it, if you learn how to win at every game.

Finally, you have to learn other versions of poker to keep the game interesting. There's nothing worse than playing online and realising that you're bored of Hold'em, but you're winning and you don't want to stop! That's when, if you're poker savvy, you'll be able to jump on the 7-Stud tables and continue your good form. Playing different styles will make you more passionate and interested in poker as a multi-dimensional masterpiece.

So learn as many variations of poker as possible. You'll become a much diverse player, able to get a game wherever you go. My budding students will be learning all of these, and they've never played in their life. What's your excuse?

A man walks into a bar and says...

...there's no better place to size someone up than at a card table.

...courtesy and etiquette should be used when it's appropriate, which is whenever you want something for nothing.

...if you live in Melbourne, every year you'll meet 150 people who could do with a punch to the face right there and then.

...you'll also meet 300 people a year with whom you should have sex right there and then.

...anything can be dangerous, because anyone can be dangerous... and stupid.

...the good ol' days are, in any given point in modern history, 20-50 years ago. In March 2058, the good ol' days will be June 2057.

...rock will never be the same, and so now it's not rock.

...if I was a shape, I'd be a heptagon.

...whenever you walk into a room, head straight for the most interesting thing in the room, and use it for its intended purpose.

...a game of Monopoly, played among friends, and also among alcohol, will make everybody present hate Monopoly.

...if I had to make a concept album about a colour, I'd use periwinkle blue.

...there's never enough time to get something done the way you want it done, and it pisses you off.

...given enough rope, any man will hang himself.

...keeping your enemies closer than your friends makes you safe, but so paranoid that you can't enjoy being safe.

...better to be powerful and happy than weak and sad.

...St. Patrick's Day should be a Public Holiday. National "Sorry" Day should be a Public Holiday as well, but we should move it to August 20th, so that we get a break between June and November.

...god died about 50 years ago, when we stopped needing him.

...the only safe way to invest your money is to learn to play Poker.

...all great philosophical discussions were fueled by copious amounts of drugs.

If you could get away with it...

...what wouldn't you do? Yesterday there was another public shooting in the U.S.: a 60-year old bloke in Florida shot up a Wendy's, killed a fireman, and then turned the gun on himself.

Now, think of this not as a "senseless tragedy", but for what it is: a murder-suicide. I've found myself interested more and more in these seemingly random shootings in the States, particularly those that end in shooter suicide. As a fatalist, and a nihilist, I don't think there's anything waiting for us at the end of our lives.* With that in mind, there's no cosmic consequence for the actions we take.

Now consider suicide. If I decided that I wanted to die, that I was done here and I'm finished up, what would prevent me from doing whatever I wanted before I kicked off? This is the context I approach these recent shootings in. People who want to die, and going out with, dare I say it, a bang!

Think about it: if you could get away with it, what wouldn't you do? Odds are if you think about it - really think about it - you'll probably think of quite a few things you'd like to do. Am I suggesting that you go out and do them? Of course not; I have no intention of killing myself, and so the things I say come with consequences. However, if I was done with living, and there was no way of being held accountable...

Most people I've spoken to, if they have a good, objective look at the situation, agree that there's a lot they would do if they knew they'd get away with it. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do if I could do whatever I wanted. But if you ever read a story about a man completely fucked up on equal parts cocaine, skunk weed and acid, who stole a Lamborghini, ran over pedestrians in the middle of Melbourne at 150kph and drove the fucker off a jetty in Docklands before shooting himself in the head, spare a thought for the dearly departed who's blog you'll never read again.

*If you think I'm wrong, that's fine. Believe what you want. But since you can't prove it, don't email me.

Breathe on plants. It'll save the world.

According to climate change expert and concerned citizen Kevin Rudd, the next big technique in the fight against "global warming" - that thing Al Gore made up to stay powerful; that world crisis that all Australians are so deeply concerned with unless there's something better going like saying "sorry" or rising interest rates - is to take atmospheric carbon and... wait for it... stick it in the ground!

According to the Carbon Coalition Against Global Warming, increasing the amount of stable carbon in soil can retain more water, reduce silting, increase crop production and remove carbon from the atmosphere. The idea behind this is that deep-rooted plants will suck carbon dioxide from the air to use in photosynthesis, and organic carbon will accumulate as humus. End result: carbon is trapped underground, the world chills out a little, and water is retained where it's needed.

Great idea. These people are gonna be fucking loaded.

I don't really care about climate change. The climate will change forever, because that's what the climate does. Excess carbon dioxide will sink into the increasing ocean, the greenhouse effect will be nulified by extreme rainfall, we'll cool down again in about 2,000 years or so, and then we'll go into an Ice Age, and the party in Government will be replaced by a new party that has its finger on the "global cooling" pulse. This happens, and we've not been around long enough to get used to it. Sit and watch; Nature will prove to be a far more resilient and effective balancer than mankind.

No, what we should be praising these people for is a unique way to get rich. The Carbon Coalition is, according to their own blog, "an alliance of farmers, scientists, extension officers and soils enthusiasts who believe the farmer should be rewarded for building carbon levels in the soil. " If I were a scientist, wondering from where my next grant was to come, I'd probably have my hand in the cookie jar as well. I'm sure that there are a lot of farmers who already cultivate deep rooted plants because of the water retention that goes so far to keep their livestock healthy (and more valuable.) Why not ask for a Government grant to do so? Indeed, this is an excellent example of taking a simple concept like fear, injecting a little hope, and watching the Teeming Masses dive headfirst into agreement like lemmings.

As you've probably gathered, I love shit like this, because it reminds me that no matter what else I do while I'm Waiting for the Big Sleep, I can always get rich off of stupid people in large groups.

Heroism & Hornblower

This post contains spoilers, but so does Wikipedia, so fuck it; read on.

I'm re-reading C.S. Foresters Hornblower books at the moment, starting at the beginning of the story's timeline (although the books were written in an odd order) and loving every swashbuckling minute of it; so much detail and effort has gone into making you smell the sea and wish you were there. But I've found myself looking curiously the heroism that Hornblower displays, and wondering how a hero sees himself.

For the uninitiated, this paragraph is for you: Horatio Hornblower starts his adventures as a Midshipman in the Royal Navy in 1793, and kicks arse against the French and the Spanish for over 50 years. A man of strategic, mathematical and organisational brilliance, Hornblower is also known to readers as an insecure and self-loathing man, completely oblivious of his talents and intensely critical of his personal worth. From humble beginnings as the son of a doctor, Hornblower is made Knight Grand Cross of the most Honourable Order of Bath, becomes Admiral of the Fleet, and retires a Baron.

So he does alright in the end, and his career is littered with heroic deeds and amazing stories. The series of novels is one of the best works of fiction out there. But it got me thinking about acts of heroism, and what it takes to be a hero. In the Hornblower series, it's clear that the three criteria for heroism* are:

• A bold and daring act (e.g. boarding a ship and steering it away from the fleet);
• Extremely dangerous circumstances (e.g. the ship is on fire); and
• A very noble cause (e.g. to save lives, and fulfill one's duty.)

The last reason, I believe, is the most important. Throughout the Hornblower series, the protagonist, while aware of the rewards of prize ships, the opportunities for advancement, and the value of appearances, performs all of his deeds because he has sworn to fulfill his duty. He takes his sense of duty holistically and morally, marrying solely because he couldn't bear to break the heart of a woman he hastily proposed to (out of pity rather than love), returning to a Spanish prison after assisting in the rescue of Spanish sailors because he'd given his parole, and surreptitiously offering his steward desertion as an alternative to hanging when the man accidentally struck a superior officer. Other people see heroism; Hornblower only sees What Must Be Done.

Truly, Hornblower lived for others as a rule, like such great heroes as Sir Galahad of Camelot and FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper (pictured to your left; his right.) Like these brave men, Hornblower doesn't see the effect he has on others, only wishing to prove to himself that he is a creature worth living. Hornblower sees the few weak moments he has - his attraction to a woman who is not his wife, his chronic seasickness, and some rare, isolated incidents of bad luck - as testimony to what he considers cowardice, disloyalty and incompetence, and forgets or ignores his many, many great moments.

Can such a man be a hero? Definitely; the cause is in the eye of the observer. Will such a man see himself as a man worthy of such accolades? I doubt it. Such a withdrawn, insecure man is after self-approval, not the praise of others, no matter how many others there are. Hornblower is a hero, but he would never understand why, because for the majority of his life, he has considered himself a truly loathsome man. Only time to reflect on his adventures would show him that he is a successful man, husband and father, and even the most pessimistic man could not feel a sense of pride at his achievements.

As I said before, a real hero doesn’t see a hero when he looks in the mirror. But it would be a terrible thing to know the world thinks you’re a hero, and to have no reason to believe them. Thankfully, time tells the truth. In Hornblower's case, he eventually retires a content man, clearly having approved of his deeds and conduct, and enjoys his life, unfortunately not for long (he’s in his mid-70s by the end of the series.) But he’s finally happy with his life, and that's about all a hero could ask for.

*One thing I should have mentioned earlier is that in the eyes of the observers, heroism is a question of values. The French would never consider the acts of a British naval officer as heroic, but when Hornblower assists Napoleon III (whom he did not recognise) to travel to France, he is made Chevalier of the Legion of Honour. So it would seem that no matter what you think of yourself, being a hero to others depends a lot more on what they think than what you think.

I Love Living in the Future: Sexbots

No matter how you slice it, the future is most definitely not the dystopian nightmare described by the likes of George Orwell, Ray Bradbury and Pierre Boulle. Sure, we may have our every step tracked by The Man, and there are starving people everywhere, but there have always been starving people everywhere, and I don't fear The Man because I have nothing to hide. You guilty bastards are gonna pay, and I'll be hanging out in my world of rainbows and kittens*.

In the most technologically dependent age of mankind's history it's seemingly inevitable that machines will not merely manage our lives as they do now, but manage the very things that make us human. This is awesome. I'm totally looking forward to getting my robot legs in a few years; legs that will make me a 12-foot tall arse-kicking machine! All will tremble beneath the mighty stride of Magnum Cyberboss!**

That said, we won't replace our humanity with techno-goodies, we'll just use them to make our lives easier and more enjoyable. For instance, lots of my friends believe that in the future we will take our food in pill form (which for some is an interesting and sick current reality), thereby making life more efficient by removing the time-consuming tedium of eating. This is bullshit. If anything, food will become less about nourishment and more about enjoyment. One day, supermodels will be able to eat an entire roast chicken that contains zero calories and doesn't fill you up, so you can just enjoy the act of eating. Kinda like masturbation.

Speaking of which, check out the website for this Japanese company. "Honeydolls" are life size dolls that you can have sex with. Yes, like a real person, except I don't think they fuck back. I'm not sure. In any event, for a mere $7,000, you can have your own little Japanese girl, carefully crafted to what I only assume are the International Proportional Guidelines for Ultimate Japanese Fuckdoll Hotness.

Height: 156cm (about 5'1)
Weight: 29 kg (64lbs)
Measurements: 87D-57,83 (34D-22-32)
Foot Size: 24-24.5cm (Size 6)

They're made from surgical silicone and polyresin, have titty sensors that make the doll squeal when squeezed (yes, with a proper voice box, not like the teddy bear you had as a kid that growled when you punched it in the stomach), and can give you head. Apparently the oral sex thing is a big deal because of the new silicone technology that stops lips from tearing or lipstick shade from fading.

While this is pretty expensive masturbation, it's possibly cheaper than a lifetime of dates, and if you're the type who doesn't care if she gets off, this is perfect. In fact, let's back up a bit and figure out how cost-effective this Honeydoll thing is:

Cost of Honeydoll
Body, Head and Voice Box Sensor Thing: $7,000
Cost of Extra Head with Fellatio Feature: $1,200
Repair Kit: $40
Total: $8,240

Cost of One Successful Date (not counting those dates where you go and feed the ducks and then fuck in the park)
Dinner: $50-$150
Drinks: $50-$200
Entertainment: $50-$200
Total: $100-$550

A Honeydoll costs anywhere between 15 and 83 dates, depending on how good you are at getting sex at minimal cost.

So, in today's money, if you went on, say 2 cheap dates a year, every year, starting in 25 and ending when you're 50 (likely enough, probably a little pessimistic), you'd be better off with a Honeydoll. And if you're the type who has to shower a woman with gifts just to get her to talk to you, this is an absolute bargain!***

Yes, indeed, the future is awesome. Countless men with deep pockets and shallow souls will love this shit, and this means less men out there horning in on hot women, so everybody wins.**** Dystopic predictions are bullshit; I love living in the future!

*Crushing the kittens with my rainbow-coloured UberTank (the colours confuse the kittens so they just stand there, ripe for the crushing.
**My new tech name. Kinda like a stage name that you use when you're an actor, this is what I will use when I become a cyborg, or get some cool robotic prosthesis.
***That said, if you're this person, then you're most likely the type who sniffs his socks and cries himself to sleep. You'd do better with six feet of rope and a sturdy beam.
****Especially Magnum Cyberboss!!

Cashing In On Change: How the Republicans Can Bounce Back in 2012

I'm finding myself drawn to the U.S. presidential primaries this year. The last eight years of U.S. politics have been an amazing thing to watch, and I can definitely imagine folks all over the States having Primary Piss-ups while watching Super Tuesday. But what will make this period in history particularly significant is that the 44th President of the United States of America will either be a woman, or a black man, and there's nothing the Republican Party can do about it.

The more I look at the Republican side of the coin, the harder it becomes to find a foothold for John "The Boss" McCain, the Republican candidate (I know it's not set in stone yet, but it's gonna happen this way.) I like McCain - he's a war hero who's not afraid to be a man and disagree with his party or his President. There's nothing they can do to him that the Viet Cong haven't done already. But this isn't about liking the guy. This is about the unfortunate truth that he can't win, but being the top candidate, he can't not run. He's fucked, and too old to run next time, and like so many ambitious Senators before him, will be forgotten and wiped from the pages of history.

He can find some solace in the fact that his campaign was most likely doomed from the start. Old G-Dub's Gallup Poll approval rating was 24% in October, the lowest since Nixon, and the fall from around 90% at the start of his term merely adds insult to injury as the current President has become a disgraced politician, an Internet meme, and the butt of every comedian's jokes for the last eight years. All this time I, like so many people out there, knew I'd pity the poor Republican bastard who had to run for President in '08 because there was no way they could represent the GOP and win.

No, there is no way he will win, because Change appears to be the underlying theme for the 2008 election, and every time this happens the Democrats have won convincing elections. This year will be no different. No matter what happens in their camp, they will have a physical presence in the election race that no white man can touch. It's a matter of symbolism supporting sincerity; people will have an easy time believing that a woman or a black man will do things differently to Bush.

And in times of Change, looks matter. McCain is suffering from a life of war, ill health and old age; if by some miracle he does become the 44th President, he would be 72 years old and the eldest President ever. Clinton would be 61, but she doesn't look it. Obama would be 47. If Clinton gets in, Obama can wait 8 years for a shot at the title and still have years to spare (this would be a great tactic for securing the Democrats 4 consecutive terms.)

So what can the Republicans do to regain their political advantage? I'd advise a gameplan similar to the Liberals here in Australia. We're seeing a reinvention of the Coalition, and what better place to start than by jumping off the sinking ship? The Liberals' key ministers are making an excellent long-term play right now, taking advantage of Howard's public silence to rally behind a new Prime Minister, even declaring that Howard should have quit long ago.

This will work a treat. The public's attention span is not exactly marathon. Amongst the hubbub surrounding Rudd's apology last week, people will know that the Liberals have jumped ship, but they don't really have time to care (and become cynical.) Meanwhile, the Libs make their adjustment to political Change, and will bounce back in a term or two with a crushing victory. Happens every time.

With this in mind, I can think of a few things things the Republican Party needs to tick off of the list in 2009 to reinvent itself and get back on track:

• Sever all ties with Bush. Make it clear that the man who just left the White House is not the rule when it comes to the Republicans. Jump ship and bury him in an underwater cave or something, just make sure that he can't come back to haunt you.
  
• Can the GOP bullshit, in every way. There can't be many Republicans who think that the "Grand Old Party" could seriously contend a presidential campaign when Change rears its ugly head.
  
• Get a candidate who's 45-50 years young. Like I said before, youth is important in a campaign dominated by Change, and Change is necessary when you're back's against the wall, just like it is now. FDR (D) was 51 when he was sworn in and you wouldn't have known it to look at him. JFK (D) was 43. Bill Clinton (D) was 48. Things will still be tough in four years, probably even in eight, so you need somebody who represents hope.
  
• Pray that the Democrats fuck it up. This would be a godsend of a scenario for the Republican Party: American takes a risk on a woman or a black man, he/she fails miserably, and the Republicans come along and clean up the mess. I wouldn't count on it though; history will look back on either Clinton or Obama as a great President despite their performance.
• Stick to the Party lines. Keep the focus on national security. Continue the fear campaign that has served them so well in the past - if anything will galvanise the masses, it's a man who can save them from what they fear. Keep close eyes on the budget, China & Japan, crime and taxes.
  
• Smear, smear, smear. Get dirty - there's no way the Republican Party can run a squeaky-clean, may-the-best-man/woman-win campaign for at least two terms. In the interim, get stuck into the President and his/her party. Make sure that when it's time to pick a new President, it's a tough decision.
  
• Get behind One Man. I know it's a pipe-dream, but I would love to see a Republican presidential campaign that really backs one guy from the start. Concentrate forces, raise a shitload of money and come out fighting hard, with the full support of the party behind them. Find former Republican men of power and get them endorsing the candidate. They're starting to come around this time, but it's just too late.
  

The next four (probably eight) years is already squared away. But there will come a time again when America will face the need for Change, and they'll have a decent election, with two decent candidates (and maybe a decent independent?) I, being who I am, don't particularly care who wins. But I do love to be entertained, and next time, I want a fight!

Sunday Boss Special: Dolph Lundgren

Our first Sunday Boss Special focuses on Dolph "The Boss" Lundgren: actor, karateka and successful dodger of A-list fame.

Dolph totally belongs here, and for the true haters and nay-sayers who would rather cut someone down than praise him as the god he is, here are three reasons why Dolph "The Boss" Lundgren belongs here:

• Ivan Drago (who beat Rocky into a brain-damaged pulp)
  
• Sgt. Andrew Scott (the real Universal Soldier)
  
• (Motherfuckin') He-Man!

But Dolph "The Boss" Lundgren is more a mere god. The man holds a 3rd Dan in Kyokushin, speaks 5 languages, completed a Master's Degree in Chemical Engineering, and turned down a goddamn Fulbright Scholarship, the main reason for which being because he was too awesome.

Dolph is the only martial artist in the world that can actually act. In a world of Chuck Norris's, Van Dammes and Jet Lis, Dolph owns everybody's business. Dolph is as close to a God as this universe is going to get, and as such Dolph "The Boss" Lundgren shall be worshipped.

Gay Men and Drug Smugglers...

...have the best posture. It's true. I love watching gay men walk; they're born with such an effortless, natural posture and walk, the kind of walk that makes a very strong case against the morons who say, "Being gay is a choice!"

Drug smugglers, as you can probably gather, have a more "forced" posture, but it's nonetheless refreshing to see people who can stand up straight and appear invigorated after a nine-hour international flight, despite their motives.

In any event, good posture is important, but be aware of the conclusions people may draw. Conversely, pay attention to this quality among your fellow man, for noticing excellent posture is what separates those with GAYDAR and detective badges from those without.

Premature Admission: The Politics of Apology

I've given myself a little time to think about the apology that Parliament made to members of the Stolen Generation on Wednesday, so here's hoping you understand why this is a little belated. Besides, I only created this blog today, so whaddya want? Unicorns?

Anyway, onward. This post isn't about my opinions on the Stolen Generation. I understand that there are a lot of people out there who've suffered immensely. But I personally don't care that the apology was made. I'm not Aboriginal, and I have no Aboriginal friends. On a humanitarian level, I couldn't care less.

My issue is with the Apology itself, and it's a small and simple issue at that: It was Bad Political Strategy. Here we have a Government that executed a near flawless election campaign. It had a message (primarly, change in a changing world) and it stuck to it. Howard was outdated, Rudd was 18 years his junior, Gillard was female (as far as I know, all three of these things are still holding true. For now.) It was sweet, and this is coming from a guy who voted Liberal.

Then they went and screwed it all up by saying "sorry" the second they jumped into Parliament. An apology to the Stolen Generation is a great strategic move, and impulse would lead the Government to believe that the sooner it happened, the better. But the timing is the major strategic flaw, and the straw that will, in time, break the camel's back. And it's not so obvious right now. Right now, people are so wrapped up in appeasing their social conscience that this slippery gesture will work.* But in time, Rudd will wish he had something up his sleeve instead of playing all his cards at once.

Dealing with Workchoices, putting together a Change Australia Think Tank, restructuring of the public sector, and inventing the Department of Climate Change (which brings on a rant for another time) is enough work for any Government. Saying "sorry" in the first month of office means more paperwork for Federal & State Governments, and more media coverage that distracts the public from other high-value political tricks the Government are playing. But more, much more than that, Rudd has lost that valuable political tool FOREVER. He's forgotten that he has three years to prove himself as a Prime Minister of longevity, a Peter North among the political porn circuit as opposed to a three-thrust buster.**

I'm sure that the next twelve months will bring new challenges, but nothing worth basing a second-term campaign on. In eighteen months the Opposition and the nation will ask, in the style of Janet Jackson, "What have you done for me lately?"*** People forget easily, and short of making February 13th a public holiday, there will be no more leverage to be gained from such an early move.

Remember this for your future endeavours, be they office politics, a long poker game, or a dinner date: Showing a strong hand is one thing, but overdoing it will weaken your long-term position.

*If you truly think that Kevin Rudd (or any politician, for that matter) actually cares about the Stolen Generation, you don't deserve to vote.

**At the risk of ripping off Dave Barry, Three-Thrust Buster would be a great name for a rock band.

***If you're thinking, "I don't know that song; maybe I should check it out," don't.

LABJACD!!!

Motherfuckin' LABJACD are playin' at the Evelyn tonight! With Diafrix! I couldn't have thought of a better way to start this blog than with that awesome news.

Here are the details:
Date: Friday February 15th
Time: 9pm
Place: Evelyn Hotel, Fitzroy

If you haven't seen these guys live, do it. You need to. They will remind you that you're alive, and if they don't, you're already dead.